On Fearlessness, Courage, & Bravery

I keep coming back to this idea of "fearlessness". And I'm not sure it actually exists. At least my guess would be not for ninety-nine point nine percent of the population. I am often scared.

I would guess... just a guess... that someone who is truly, literally fearless, meaning they have zero fear at all, is unlikely to make it very long in the world. And the reason I think that, is that I do not believe fear is "bad". Fear can often be quite healthy. My understanding is that fear is a large part of what has kept all of us human beings alive, evolving, and as resilient as we are. Not too long ago, fear was quite literally keeping us alive from predators, from threats. It's extremely human to be afraid.

The issue, only speaking for myself here, is that that part of my brain is often (more often than perhaps I'd prefer to admit) active. Sometimes it's active when the situation doesn't call for it. Sometimes it does. But the point I am trying to convey is: fear is not bad. Fear can be healthy. At the very "least" to me, it's neutral.

To borrow from one of the movies I connect with very closely, The Grey:

There's a scene where Liam Neeson's character is sitting across from another man who is acting all surface-level macho. Liam calmly calls him out: you're scared. The guy puffs his chest, claims nothing scares him. And then Liam delivers the line I've borrowed from for years: "I'm terrified. And not an ounce of shame in saying it. I'm scared shitless."

And then, with no rescue coming, he carries on while scared.

The question/thought to myself in those moments is: yes, I'm scared. I'm compassionate with myself about it. I accept I am really scared because of [insert fear here, I have plenty to choose from if you'd like some options! ;) ] But what am *I* going to do with that fear?

Do I want to let it run the show? Is this a legitimate fear I should listen to? Is there actually something here that's truly threatening... or is my mind trying to protect me in a way it's learned how? What's the fear and then what is the story I am telling myself around the fear? Naming that out loud helps me a lot.

What I do think is a much more real, and a much more courageous thing than "fearlessness," IS to feel extremely afraid without amplifying it or suppressing it. Easy to say, often difficult for me to do. And additionally, acknowledging it to yourself, because you (we, all of us) deserve to allow yourself to feel how you're feeling. And two, if you're comfortable with it, maybe sharing some of that fear with others. Because I do think others will relate to you along with anyone who is able to find the courage to state plainly they are afraid.

From there... what I have found helpful, and what I would gently recommend... is this. It's okay to be afraid. You can be compassionate with that part of yourself, and you can still say, okay... I am afraid. And I'm gonna go forward anyway.

And it's scary. It's uncomfortable. You don't know. At least I don't know what's gonna happen. But I have found that once you push through, almost always, there wasn't that much to be afraid of to begin with. And if there was... you realize how strong, how much inner strength you, and I mean you, the person reading this, really have.

Until you've gone through something like that and really faced it... with no self-deception, just fully admitting *I'm scared a lot, I'm often scared, and that's okay,* and asked yourself, *what am I going to do with that fear?* ... you don't really get the full experience that you are worthy of.

Am I going to let it run the show and stop me from living my life? Very rarely. Sometimes, yeah, that does happen for me and that IS the case. If that's the case for you, no judgement here, you're in good company. More often for me, the answer is no. I'm not going to let it run my life. I'm gonna be terrified and trust that I'll survive one way or another. And see what I can learn from it if nothing else.

I feel like I'm kind of rambling now, but those are my thoughts on fearlessness, bravery, & courage. And I do think there's a big difference.

Real courage, true courage, or however you'd like to phrase it (and I'm only speaking for me here), is not the absence of fear. It is the presence of fear, especially an intense presence of fear... AND being willing to look at that with eyes wide open, accept that is what is currently present, and still give it our best shot. A lifetime practice of equanimity, for me.

I come up short of that ideal all the time. But it is an ideal I strive for anyway.

If that's something you're able to do consistently, you inspire me, truly. And I'd love to know your tricks or lessons you have learned!

One more thought.

There's a reason many call meditation the warrior's path. And they don't mean that in a superficial or violent way. It's the warrior's path because it's a very brave thing to open up completely and accept whatever's there. Not brace against it. Not amplify it. Not suppress it. Just accept it, let it be there, wash over you without losing your center, and still make a move from your values.

I think that is very brave and admirable. And again, I admire any of you who are able to do even a fraction of that. You should be really proud of yourself if that's you. And if it's not... that's okay too. We're human and we'll practice it in spirit together. I'm with you.

If you're afraid right now for any reason, or if you're judging yourself reading this, please don't. It's okay. Really, it is. Full permission to be afraid granted, and send anyone who says otherwise to me. Contact info is at the top. Like I said, I'm afraid all the time. So you are in very good company and always welcome here.

Anyway. I'm rambling again. Classic me! Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. And if you disagree or have a different viewpoint or things that have helped you, you know where to contact me. I'm always willing to listen, I will read it, and I'd love the feedback.

A note of gratitude and credit.

Credit (and a whole lot of it!) where it's due. Two Jeffs taught & gave me many lessons in this piece. The first is my (absolutely incredible) therapist Jeff (with his blessing to use his first name), who introduced me to so many actual skills years ago: naming the fear, naming the story around it, equanimity as a practice. The second is Jeff Warren, whose daily meditations have helped me more than he will ever know. I find him through Calm and his Do Nothing Project. They gave me many tools. The work was using them, daily. Thanks, Jeffs. You have given me a gift I cannot repay.

-Drew 🪷